My Life Diary

Meditation on Death

A Page from my Life Diary

From
Life Wanderer

14th October 2005

Meditation on Death

We do meditation in various ways. But meditation on death sounds a little eerie. It may sound a little frightening to some. Death for us is like the dark side of the Moon. In spite of whatever the spirituality may teach us about the transition of human soul which takes place at the time of death of man, deep in our consciousness there is a silent, unspoken fear of death.

We all know that we are going to die one day. Though many people may wish for immortality, nobody expects to live for ever. In spite of this accepted reality of practical life, the statement that ‘you are going to die after X number of days’ sounds like a bad omen. We live as if we are never going to die.

Having worked in a hospital for many years, I have seen death as a matter of routine occurrence. It was routine for us but exceptional for the patient and his relatives. I have seen patients and his relatives more worried about the bill than the prospect of recovery. At the same place we have star babies born very frequently and the jubilation that followed. Here I do not want to sound philosophical. I am amused by the play of life and death and how we take it.

I have myself gone through a deep traumatic period of personal crisis in my life. I used to be always concerned about the course of events that will unfold and my role in it. Every success used to bring with it further web of human relationships and the tension about the outcome of my future endeavors. Hardly in my life I have enjoyed my achievements unperturbed by tomorrow. The only good thing was that in the midst of all this crisis I was in constant search for a stable and secure station in life. This kept the fire in me burning bright. It kept me alive in a deeper sense.

Then in one day, I got a breakthrough. In the process of ‘mental discussion’ about the various possible outcomes of my various actions and the tension it created on my life, I tried to think about the ‘worst case scenario’. I fearlessly extended my argument towards its logical conclusion. In the worst case scenario, I will be dead. It was the end of the road.

Or was it really ? I decided to explore further. What happens when I am dead. How will I know ? All the theories of the after death scenarios are only hypothesis for me. I was not interested in unverifiable hypothesis. Were I ready to die ? Certainly not. I was a fighter, I told myself.

Then the idea flashed in my mind. How about just thinking that I am dead without actually dyeing ? I closed my eyes. I told myself that I have now died. Then I did a silent meditation on the ‘nothingness’ which I was most likely to experience after death. Having reached this stage, I decided to further extend my logical reasoning from the point I left just before I died. I started to do the job of mental discussion of worrying about the possible worst of worst case (first worst for my living period and the next worst for my after death period) scenarios.

And here I got a crude shock. I tried to worry but could not do it. Again I tried hard to worry. I could not manage it. There was now the question before me which I could not answer : What is the relevance of the situations, events, relationships, tensions etc of ‘my living era’ to my new situation of ‘after death era’ ? Unless I am able to establish the core requirement of ‘relevance of things to my present (i.e. after death stage) situation’ my mind refused to co-operate with me in my intense desire for worrying about something. I tried hard but could not do it. In my situation of ‘after death’ I am neither able to influence the events nor in a position to enjoy ‘life’. I am in a ‘no-thing’ stage. It is neither happy nor sad mental state. I felt highly uncomfortable with this ‘no worry’ state and quickly returned to my terrestrial existence of ‘pre death stage’ of living. I felt much better now. I again started the process of worrying. I could do it now. It is a stage of ‘something always happening’ - may be just the act of worrying over the things.

In this process of ‘living and dyeing’ a more subtle change was taking place in my ‘mental constitution’. I did not notice it first. It became apparent after several ‘cross jumps’ between life and death. The intensity and the depth of my attachment to the emotions – whether happy or sad – got considerably softened out. I could not as intensely feel sadness or happiness in my ‘living state’ as I used to feel before my crazy experiments with life. I could still do the same logical argumentation and worry about the things, but the ‘charm of worrying’ has gone out of my life.

My further meditations on the subject gave me new insights. Earlier I had handled the issue of ‘relevance of things’ in my ‘post death’ state and in my ‘pre death state’. Now I moved a step further. What is the actual relevance of things in my ‘continuous state’ of pre and post death ? This was a tough question. Not because it was difficult to answer. It was tough because the answer was not palatable. It shook my whole basis of logical reasoning foundation. I realized that the things which are causing me most annoyance, worry, tension etc are not going to remain when I die. And I am sure going to die someday. So why I carry a baggage which the airline authorities at the departure lounge are not going to allow me to embark on the plane ? I had gone through the experience of having to painfully leave my baggage behind in such situations. This had happened in the case of actual air travel. Now the situation was very much similar. All my mental constructions will have to be abandoned at the departure lounge of Life. And on top of it all, this will be done very abruptly and ruthlessly and rudely. I would have felt very much insulted had it happened in any living situations. I would have certainly avoided the course of events which will sure lead me towards such an insulting situation. I had my self respect. Then why am I meekly accepting such an humiliating situation in a situation of death when all of a sudden all my valuable possessions of tensions, worries, joys, excitements are stripped off me ? I will need to have a re-look at how I live my life so that at the time of my death my passage is honourable and my self respect is not harmed.

This led me to the final analysis. There is nothing actually worth to feel sad for. Life is a play. You should play it till the whistle blows. The rewards for this play is not in the number of goals you score.

It is in the very act of playing !



Life Wanderer

प्रस्तुतकर्ता Shrikant @ 12:26 pm