My Life Diary

Quest for an Answer

A Page from My Life Diary
From
Life Wanderer
10th October 2005

Quest for an Answer

Today I had a very humbling experience. I was participating in an institutional meeting run on co-operative basis wherein every member had equal vote. The occasion was General Body Meeting. The members were not well informed about the matters to be discussed at the meeting and some vested interests were subverting the whole process to their advantage. I knew the whole game through and through and was desperately trying to inform the members on factual matters. I had partial success and to some extent I was able to educate and alert the members. However, in a meeting of some 50 persons, I was the only one who had done full homework. The members were driven variously by their outward impressions of the governing body members, their own selfish motives, their own personal grudge against me due to some past instances and mostly due to just their eagerness to finish the meeting early. The members with vested interests took full advantage of this situation and were able to quiet me. It was a frustrating experience. In order to make members understand the situation and the game the people were playing, I became more assertive and aggressive. This worked to a large extent. There was deliberate commotion created by some members. I raised my voice and fully utilised my persuasive and argumentative skills backed up by the factual data I possessed. In the end, I can rate my success as 30 %. Considering that some members (on my side) initially took it as a hopeless situation, this 30 % success is a good achievement. But I was not comfortable as the balance 70 % could not be achieved. I get angry due to the deceit and dishonesty of the people and try to correct these people in so far as I consider it my duty to do so. I have a high sense of duty and social responsibility. In the end, when I am writing this note, I have a bitter taste of the whole episode.
Now, after you have read it, I want to share with you my personal observations and the insights I am having. These may startle some.
Being logical, rational and truth seeker puts you in a deep trouble unless you are also political. I consider it as mutually exclusive qualities. But in today’s world, one has to be political first and foremost. I am absolutely sure that I do not want to play politics. While at the same time, I can also not keep quiet when wrongs are done in my immediate circle of environment.
I feel I should practice the art of ‘letting go’. It does not mean not putting any effort to correct the situation. It only means that beyond a particular point, I should not try to assert myself. I should put the limit to my assertiveness and aggressiveness and persistence. Beyond those self made limits, I should allow the situation to take its own turn – may be against my desired outcome. I \must be quietly persistent with my efforts. I should not retire from the active scene. I should engage myself in the action. But I must observe the limits of my action. I should also behave myself decently. When the other person is not behaving decently, I used to give ‘tit for tat’. This should not happen. I should let go.
The above thought used to give me frightening scenario when I am constantly on the losing ground due to these self imposed limits. It may even happen. Let it be so. I should not cross my limits.
What are those limits ? I feel that I should not do anything which puts bitter taste of the incident. When somebody has abused me and I teach him a lesson and may be I succeed, It still leaves me in a bitter taste and I do not feel comfortable for abusing the other person or in other words, for lowering my level to the other person. In the process of getting things done, I get gradually lower level of my personal worth. Therefore, it is a bad bargain to get the things done but lower my self worth. So what is the alternative ? I feel the alternative is to ‘let it go’ beyond a particular point of effort.
We are taught of ‘getting it done’ by putting our best and trying hard. I feel this is wrong. I am realizing it now. We are constantly being bombarded by the environment about the ‘competitive advantage’, getting 110 % of our efficiency, being successful, winning. But what about happiness ?
Some people who get caught in the similar dilemmas, adopt either of the following options 1 They just give up trying and start doing Yoga, meditation, spirituality etc to find the answers.
2 They accept the situation out of frustration.
3 They change themselves to the ‘ways of the world’ and join the league of political, selfish and half-truth people.
4 They convince themselves that they will won their rewards in afterlife and then do not try at all.
I am rejecting all of above. Not on any ground of ‘principal’ but just because I want to be true to my own self. That is why I called it life’s dilemmas. I accept that it is a dilemma and I do not have a full answer. But I know for sure what is NOT an answer. The path I am going to follow – I am not sure how much successful I will be. But I want to be a happy person and success is not a guarantee for happiness. At the same time, my intrinsic nature of truthfulness and warrior does not allow me to make half efforts or avoid conflicts. I am not going to any spiritual guru to get the solution. I am also not seeking solutions from Gods. Being in the above dilemma, I do not have definite answer. But I am getting to a firmer conviction that I must always try, be assertive, be persistent, be truthful and be warier. But do not take it to the end – fight to finish. Leave my fight somewhere inbetween when I am starting to realize that I am exceeding my limits or getting lowered down in my personal worth. And then let it go. Move forward. Whatever may be the outcome. I may not be successful. I may not even be happy. But at least my search for the answer will be on. And I will be more true to my own true nature. This will give me strength. What worse is going to happen ? Taking the reasoning to its logical end, I may lose everything. But my soul will be my own. Nobody can take it away. And the search will be on.
The fight to the finish entangles you in the process with the events and the objects of the situation. Letting it go makes you free of such entanglements. And I feel that to be free of any entanglements is of immense value. It makes the path clearer to you and you get good insights about the correct path.
Unfortunately, I am not seeing any person around me who is following my way.
On earlier many occasions, due to my above qualities, I landed in deep mess. I ‘over did’ it. People were hurt. I lost friends, I lost sympathy. I was totally alone. I was ditched. And on top of it all, I also lost the battle. But almost miraculously, I was literally lifted out of the mess and put in a clean ground – again to get into some another mess. I was very definitely helped by the divine grace. At every juncture of deep trouble in my life, I was offered help by people – as if being directed by some higher power. But before the help was offered, I went through hell. And it was mostly due to my fool-hardiness. The world is full of political, selfish and deceitful people. And I dashed against my opposition like a bull. It does not take great imagination to know what will be the result.
I am also proud and happy in retrospect that on most occasions, I had fantastic success and I did many things which are very much commendable. And all this in seemingly hopeless situations, The problem is that in the process, I made many enemies and I exceeded my limits of decency. I was aggressive and pushy. Moreever, I lost the political game and end result of every battle was frustratioin.
Now is the time in my life to do some introspection. In fact I am doing the introspection constantly. But the path I am following does not offer ready made answers.
When I see spiritual gurus offering advice of love and peace, I get a strong desire to kidnap these guru, shave their beards and hairs, make them look and dress like very ordinary person, make them travel in the horribly crowded suburban trains of Mumbai and then ask their advice about love and peace. Will they be able to practice what they preach ? Very much doubtful.
I am convinced that the path I am following will lead me forward in my search for realizing the Truth of My Being. Staying confident and comfortable in life and ENJOYING LIFE without fear, anxiety, deceitfulness and degradation of my self worth. I am not a seeker for god, heaven, Nirvana etc. I am a seeker for STABLE HAPPINESS. My own TRUE SELF is like a diamond. I want to fully realize my DIAMOND NATURE.


Life Wanderer

प्रस्तुतकर्ता Shrikant @ 5:10 pm